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ravin_13



Joined: 07 Sep 2005
Posts: 1727
Location: Somewhere near the 401 and the 403

PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 6:56 pm    Post subject: unfinished Reply with quote

I dunno if this is completed yet, and it seems kind of off to me, but I still like it, and just want some feedback

Quote:
We speak for the dead
The dead have no voice
We sing their praises
and we tell their sorrows

We speak for the dead
and give a voice to the unheard
we speak for the dead
and give a name to the unknown

we speak for the dead
who lived a short time ago
felt the sun shine
and saw flowers grow

_________________
"They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old.
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them."
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Rexfelum



Joined: 26 Sep 2003
Posts: 3897

PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Feedback, you say. Feedback!

Okay, I'd say it is indeed not at the correct length. Either unfinished, or going one verse too long.

Which may not be the answer you were expecting. I thought it sounded great in the first two sections: both stark and metaphysical. Gloominess in a way, mentions of the "unknown." Cool.

Sunshine and flowers, though, sounds suddenly cheerful and touchy-feely. It rhymes. See, even the reference to "praises" in the first bit didn't sound "cheerful": this last bit sound more like it's celebrating life in general than talking about the life of those passed.

So I'd say write more, yes. Add more material to get the last verse to make sense, or rewrite it to make it fit more with the other stuff.

Or, cut it and call the first two thirds your whole poem! I liked it.

Also . . . now that I've replied, I'm less likely to accidentally delete this thread as spam. Ugh, spam.

--Rexfelum
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"May your deity of choice follow you with anchovies." --Terry Pratchett.
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ravin_13



Joined: 07 Sep 2005
Posts: 1727
Location: Somewhere near the 401 and the 403

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 10:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hmm, thanks, any and all feedback is wanted. I didn't think the last verse fit, kinda had a flander's field vibe for it.

it kinda all started when I heard the phrase "we speak for the dead" an Enderish phrase
_________________
"They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old.
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them."
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