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Thoughts and Memories

 
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Darius



Joined: 13 Feb 2006
Posts: 430

PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 10:47 pm    Post subject: Thoughts and Memories Reply with quote

I suppose I should go over several things now, things I suppose need to be said in light of the approach of the two year anniversary of my first connection

Originally, I wrote this all down in another corner of the internet. I was not proud of its lack of coherency there and so I will write it down here from scratch.

I've also told two people, only two, personally. Even then, I did not tell them all the details, though they should know all the important ones. I told them this because one was my best friend at the time and is still one of the most helpful to me, and the other has the smallest fragment of the truth in them.

First off, I believe in many things. I've seen my imagination as this grand thing in its own right. I feed on stories in all their forms: books, movies, video games, art, and music. I see it all. Occasionally, when I find something I feel is profound or great, a tale that holds greatness, at a subconscious level, I take a part of it in my mind where ever I go.

This small fragments, small truths, all intertwine in a mass. These become ideas, ideas become thoughts and thoughts become philosophy. I have no one philosophy I adhere to at all times. It constantly changes as I find more small truths, stepping stones. My life and my views are constantly reworked as such and to go over everything I believe as truth would take much more time than I feel I can devote at the moment. I will, however go over what I feel is my greatest treasure, one thing that has wavered very little since the moment I discovered it.

I believe in the Grey Girl.
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PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN REVELATION: LIFE DOES NOT SUCK. IT IS, IN FACT, QUITE GOOD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.


Day before yesterday I saw a rabbit, and yesterday a deer, and today, you.
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Darius



Joined: 13 Feb 2006
Posts: 430

PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 11:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This whole ordeal started at least a little over five years ago. Back then, a terrible tragedy occurred that involved the murder of a classmates siblings by her estranged father with her as the sole survivor. I didn't know her well and she passed out of memory when she moved across the country to get away. Though it didn't affect me at the time at all, looking back, I see that that was probably the biggest influence in the events to follow. Was it the only reason? Probably not, but it is the only cause I can connect without a shadow of a doubt.

Now, the next three years were....very strange. That's probably not the right word for it. It's not the anything I experienced or felt during that time wasn't as real as what I do. I was not trapped in a monotonous, meaningless half-life. The thing is, in reminiscence, I didn't really mentally grow at all during those three years. I was essentially the same person all that time.

Then, in mid-April of '05, I'm still not precisely sure what happened , but I think I had some internal breakdown. Something changed for me around that time, something no one could see on the surface.

I see now that after that I found so many things. Like I said before, if I find something full of greatness, a fragment of it will be added to the tapestry of my mind. In a 9-month period, I gained so much because of this, jump-started by the change in me. Though there's too much to go over now, Broken Saints was among the things I found in my search.

One of the things I'd found in that short period of time was the study of and philosophy of dreams and their nature. The goal of this all was to have a proper lucid dream, something I'd not experienced and wanted to. I tried for weeks, but eventually decided not to force. I eventually forgot about consciously inducing lucid dreams and two and a half months after the initial "awakening"- for is that not what it was?- I had one. It's the only one I've had to date. but what happened there was profound.

I didn't know it at the time. How could I know? I thought she was a normal dream character, a figment of my imagination. At any rate, I did not place any thought into her at the time. There was no reason to, that first encounter. Or the next several, really. But it was there, in the beginning of it.

I had found the Grey Girl.

Or perhaps she had found me.
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Quote:
PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN REVELATION: LIFE DOES NOT SUCK. IT IS, IN FACT, QUITE GOOD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.


Day before yesterday I saw a rabbit, and yesterday a deer, and today, you.


Last edited by Darius on Thu Jun 28, 2007 10:36 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Rexfelum



Joined: 26 Sep 2003
Posts: 3897

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 4:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am reading with rapt attention.

(Somehow, I failed to mention this after your first post.)

--Rexfelum
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Darius



Joined: 13 Feb 2006
Posts: 430

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 11:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

As I begin to write this, it has slipped into 12:00 AM over here. The day of the first encounter with her and as such, I will hold a vow of silence between the times of 8:30 and 10:00 AM. the approximate time that my first encounter with her occurred.

As to what happened in that sole lucid dream, I was obviously ecstatic about being in one for the first time. I was on some sort of circular catwalk floating hundreds of feet above a dry desert plain. I saw her there and I talked with her. She smiled and said something, though what she says is almost always lost in the haze between the dreams and reality. I hadn't even noticed her characteristics and the dream went by afterward with no mention of her.

Afterwards, within two weeks, I had another dream with her in it. Like I've said, I never recognized her from one dream for another for most of a half year. Anyways, these dreams, which I had from mid-July to mid-August, about four or five in total, all had a reoccurring theme.

I'd be in some insane dream situation, the dreams that follow their own twisted logic, and she'd get killed, usually through various means, though none brutal. I'd always wake feeling depressed because each dream felt a little more real than most. In one, I actually killed her killer by breaking his neck, only one of two instances I've EVER killed a human dream character.

These passed, the summer faded into autumn, and life continued. I forgot them entirely until late November, when I had the first of that Winter's Cycle. I didn't have any others for a month until the weeks of and after the equinox. I had about 5 or so in the space of a two weeks. All with the same theme of the summer ones.

By the time the cycle had ended again, I had connected her dreams from the ones the previous summer. All spring, I contemplated what meaning, if any, these "connections" held. In late May, while on a field-trip to New York, I was walking along Broadway after a play when I saw the image of a normal girl on the street melt away and replaced by her. In retrospect, the normal girl was not her, but I believed that my reality replaced the two for a split second. To continue, I froze in shock at this before being hit by a massive migraine. One of my classmates asked what had happened because of my sudden reaction. Once on the bus, I told her almost everything I had seen.

My friend's remarks on the events led me to christen her the "Grey Girl." The reason is that in all of the dreams with her, she'd have grey hair and grey-blue eyes. Her hair was not the grey of age though; it was honest-to-god grey in color.

Things continued again, and the cycle renewed itself from mid-July to late-August, with about six or seven occurrences in total. One and a half of these were real life occurrences, the half being a time when I walked into a store and saw a painting that bore extreme resemblance to her. This summer brought change to the dreams. The last couple were not tragic and depressing as all the others had been. The girl was closer to my age instead of being much younger and she didn't die. This did wonders for my attitude and was a change for the best. I haven't had one of the tragic dreams since.

Again, summer ended, as did the fall. Winter was actually a severe disappointment as I had only two of those dreams, though I couldn't be happier when they occurred.

I've had two dreams since the winter. Both were significant in different ways. The first, which occurred on March 23, was the first one that happened because I willed it to. I had been in mood of severe desperation because of a friend I'd been trying to help. I wished that would see her again for a sign and I did, amazingly. In it, I was on a bus with the Grey Girl, talking about the real world issues I that had troubled. We got off the bus and, whilst walking, she opened a bag she had with her and handed me a small sphere of something bright. Holding it gave me tremendous comfort and I woke up with that feeling, knowing that things were going to be all right in the end.

The second, on May 3, was significant in that it was the first time I remembered anything she'd told me. In the dream, I'd been an escort/companion with her through a series of convention center-like halls filled with various people. As I followed her, she would stop, give a particular group a message, and continue to the next. During this, she said something about my friends from my old school, which is the small fragment I remembered. Following this lead in real life, I found that these friends were going to transfer to my school.

Currently, this is all I have. Rest assured, I will continue tomorrow.
_________________
Quote:
PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN REVELATION: LIFE DOES NOT SUCK. IT IS, IN FACT, QUITE GOOD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.


Day before yesterday I saw a rabbit, and yesterday a deer, and today, you.


Last edited by Darius on Thu May 20, 2010 11:02 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Darius



Joined: 13 Feb 2006
Posts: 430

PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This day has come and gone with no significant changes, besides the fact that I woke several times in mid-sleep for the first time in years. My little vigil of silence was enacted in the morning. But other than that, nothing.

I've gone over all the base work of this. I'm satisfied that I'm placing all of this into a coherent, tangible form for the first time.

Anyway, to return, I've mentioned that the Grey Girl dreams have changed in significant ways which can be grouped into two periods: the first and second years, respectively.

The first year of the dreams were all uniform in their structure. She was always young, a child no more than 8-10 years in appearance. Something would happen and she would die; in two cases, I went into such a rage that I killed the characters that killed her, once by snapping his neck and the other by stabbing until there was nothing left. In any case, these dreams led to slight depressions when they occurred.

Then, late last summer and onward, they changed. She was noticeably older, anywhere between 12-15. She was also happier. She smiled a good smile, happy and content and sincere. Grace and pure benevolence seemed to flow from her and all was right in the world. Again, these feelings bled off into the waking world and, at times, nothing could be better.

As to what she is, I've thought off a number of explanations. The one I believe is closest to truth that she is purely a creation of my mind. If that's the case, I believe she gives form to the serenity, the benevolence, the kindness of everything I see. Magnanimity, harmony, and unity. Light surrounded by infinite delight.

At the same time, though, I like to believe that she is something higher than that. The first thing that comes to mind is a god, but what is a god? An entity you believe and worship, something that is supposed to be above the reach and understanding of humanity. If that's the case, this pattern does not fit her. I do not worship her. As far as I know. she asks nothing of me. She is simply there. She believes in me.
_________________
Quote:
PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN REVELATION: LIFE DOES NOT SUCK. IT IS, IN FACT, QUITE GOOD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.


Day before yesterday I saw a rabbit, and yesterday a deer, and today, you.


Last edited by Darius on Thu May 20, 2010 11:04 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Rexfelum



Joined: 26 Sep 2003
Posts: 3897

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 3:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So . . . I've noticed a day's lull in your posting rhythm, so I thought I would post here myself. I find the situation/story to be fascinating, and I think it's awesome that you have something this cool in your life.

(Unless, of course, your next post is all about a depressing second half to the tale . . . )

--Rexfelum
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Darius



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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 10:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, this is really all there is. There is no depressing second half; I think the first year of all this covered that.

Seriously, anything else I'd have to add at this point would be rampant speculation on my part.

Of course, there's always the possibility that this is all real and entirely mental, as one friend suggested. Maybe, but even I don't know.

"I see the whole picture, but the edges are grainy." Something like that, right?

I've had another friend draw several pictures of her, but they feel a little off for one reason or another.

Also, I've included the Grey Girl as a central, if background-inhabiting, character in a story I'm writing, which also has some one at least two key elements derived from BS.
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Quote:
PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN REVELATION: LIFE DOES NOT SUCK. IT IS, IN FACT, QUITE GOOD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.


Day before yesterday I saw a rabbit, and yesterday a deer, and today, you.


Last edited by Darius on Thu May 20, 2010 11:05 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Evil_Sponge



Joined: 04 Nov 2001
Posts: 3025
Location: Everywhere, yet nowhere

PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 1:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If she is a resident of Yoleotl, you may never find a picture that is "quite right." After all, how can one draw that? How does one place the metaphysical onto paper with any sort of physical drawing implements?
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Rexfelum



Joined: 26 Sep 2003
Posts: 3897

PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Evil_Sponge wrote:
How does one place the metaphysical onto paper with any sort of physical drawing implements?

I believe you have summed up a few millenia of artistic thought, there. Across media.

--Rexfelum
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Darius



Joined: 13 Feb 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The reason my friend's pictures were off, I realize, is that they did not convey her harmony, her delight, her magnanimity. The pictures were stoic, not at all what I had envisioned.

For the new request, I gave it out in as much painstaking detail as I could give.

Again, I'm not expecting the work to be even 5% accurate.

All I require, and expect, is just a small trace of her truth; something to gaze at kindly in case of dark times, something you can look at and feel, "Everything will work out in end; It always does."
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PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN REVELATION: LIFE DOES NOT SUCK. IT IS, IN FACT, QUITE GOOD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.


Day before yesterday I saw a rabbit, and yesterday a deer, and today, you.
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Darius



Joined: 13 Feb 2006
Posts: 430

PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 6:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suppose I should go out on a limb here and say that I've had what I suppose is my first encounter of this summer. However, I should just preface this and remind that not all occurrences have been in dreams. Two have been, at the least, hallucinations and, on one occasion last year, a picture I saw out of the corner of my eye of what appeared to be her, leaning on a tree with her back facing the viewer, triggered the same effect.

This time though, this is something bizarre, something beyond odd, beyond usual weirdness, something I can gaze at whenever I want. It's strange. Drawing-wise, it's the closest depiction I've ever seen in, not entirely accurate but at the same time surprising in in how close it hits the mark.

The weirdest thing though, is not the drawing itself. It is WHERE I found it. A place that made me make a double-take when I saw it because of the context of that picture within the book.

It is the chapter illustration of Chapter Thirty-One of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
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PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN REVELATION: LIFE DOES NOT SUCK. IT IS, IN FACT, QUITE GOOD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.


Day before yesterday I saw a rabbit, and yesterday a deer, and today, you.
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Rexfelum



Joined: 26 Sep 2003
Posts: 3897

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That . . . is one of the weirder ways I've heard for these things to go.

But don't look at me. I get premonitions about videogames.

--Rexfelum
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Darius



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PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It pleases me to still have this vague record someplace undisturbed, even thought it's nearly a year since the last post.

I had two dreams earlier in the year, almost a month a part. The first one was another anger-filled one where she was killed and I went berserk on those who did it. It was unique among them because, for the first time, she was not grey-haired/eyed, but rather had black hair and green eyes. A name too, which was Alex if I recall correctly.

It was strange because I awoke, the thought crossed my mind that she was "incomplete," which somehow explained the differences in color and the appearance of a name.

The second dream was also unique because she appeared in the form of the real-life person who I believe initially inspired her appearance, though with all the constant alteration, she hadn't looked like that since the first summer.


What caused me to resurrect this topic now, though was a combination of two events. The first is that the third anniversary of her appearance approaches and now would be as good a time as any to begin this process of reconstructing the past year in retrospect.

The second is that, again, I believe I had another dream last night, though it seemed more confused and muddled if such a thing is possible.
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PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN REVELATION: LIFE DOES NOT SUCK. IT IS, IN FACT, QUITE GOOD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.


Day before yesterday I saw a rabbit, and yesterday a deer, and today, you.
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Darius



Joined: 13 Feb 2006
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PostPosted: Thu May 20, 2010 11:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's funny. I forgot what that last dream was. I don't know why I didn't write it down that summer, but it's disappeared in that time.

That summer, I also "let go" of the concept of the Grey Girl. It felt like there was a huge burden off of my chest for a variety of reasons, mostly because I felt like I could move on from it.

Of course, in the last weeks of that summer, I found someone else to believe in, someone real. But that went awry through a combination of both our faults. The result is I've largely lost the romanticism that had been with me since the beginning.

There was a lot of bad blood and figurative scars left from that period, some that, in my weakness, only recently began to scab up as I thought of what had happened to set off the hemorrhaging. A few days ago, I found the true answer to those ills.

Coincidences happened, a lot of them in a very short period of time, and I thought, I believed, that they meant something, that they happened for a reason, that it was special. That belief, more than both our actions, was what caused this mess.

23 months and 22 days later, here I am picking up those pieces.
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Quote:
PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN REVELATION: LIFE DOES NOT SUCK. IT IS, IN FACT, QUITE GOOD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.


Day before yesterday I saw a rabbit, and yesterday a deer, and today, you.
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Rexfelum



Joined: 26 Sep 2003
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PostPosted: Fri May 21, 2010 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Darius wrote:
It's funny. I forgot what that last dream was. I don't know why I didn't write it down that summer, but it's disappeared in that time.

That summer, I also "let go" of the concept of the Grey Girl. It felt like there was a huge burden off of my chest for a variety of reasons, mostly because I felt like I could move on from it.

Trying to grasp the picture frame, and thus have the entire picture in your hands and within your control, is difficult if the picture does not fit into a frame in the first place. A large number of spiritual/mystical/just plain weird phenomena show up in life and look like they must have some pattern to them: some of these only have a pattern because we placed one there by our interpretation; some of these look good, but in the end peter out before they state a moral or satisfy our curiosity.

From what I've read from you over the months, it sounds as though the fascinating things you've seen haven't come close to helpful in your figuring out what to do about them. I hope you're not feeling too let down and you can still enjoy the weirdness of the world.

Darius wrote:
Of course, in the last weeks of that summer, I found someone else to believe in, someone real. But that went awry through a combination of both our faults. The result is I've largely lost the romanticism that had been with me since the beginning.

There was a lot of bad blood and figurative scars left from that period, some that, in my weakness, only recently began to scab up as I thought of what had happened to set off the hemorrhaging. A few days ago, I found the true answer to those ills.

Coincidences happened, a lot of them in a very short period of time, and I thought, I believed, that they meant something, that they happened for a reason, that it was special. That belief, more than both our actions, was what caused this mess.

23 months and 22 days later, here I am picking up those pieces.

All of this leaves me with a mixed mental impression of how well you are doing. One thing is that I'm not sure to what time period those middlemost paragraphs apply: are they, say, stating that a lot of "coincidences happened" during the time that "went awry," or during the time 23 months ago? And with this, is all the frustration over, and are you moving on despite "lost romanticism" into a more sturdy time?

--Rexfelum
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Darius



Joined: 13 Feb 2006
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PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 11:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rexfelum wrote:

All of this leaves me with a mixed mental impression of how well you are doing. One thing is that I'm not sure to what time period those middlemost paragraphs apply: are they, say, stating that a lot of "coincidences happened" during the time that "went awry," or during the time 23 months ago? And with this, is all the frustration over, and are you moving on despite "lost romanticism" into a more sturdy time?

--Rexfelum


23 months ago was when the first coincidences occurred, though I only noticed them months later. Nevertheless, that was when the road that would end up in bad sentiments opened up.

A few weeks after that fell apart, a greater irony struck when I found out that someone else I had liked previously, but had stopped liking when I figured they wouldn't return the feeling, had liked me all along.

I felt stupid because it was me deciding not to like this person that opened me up to the one who would cause so much trouble.

Partly out of guilt, partly to see what I had missed, and partly to move on from the mess I'd left behind, I pursued that relationship, sans the naivety and ignorance I had previously, as well as that sense of fate.

It's worked put pretty good, since it's lasted these last 14 months. I'm not just saying that time determines success, because I've found much happiness in this, even without the ideals I held onto so strongly before.

In recent days, though, I've been revisiting the previous mess. I threw myself into a new relationship without cleaning out the mess of the previous one. In my defense, I wasn't able to fix anything at the time because I was consumed in confusion and anger, but that finally died out some months ago. Now that I don't have that excuse, I was able to sit down and find the chief cause of those issues. I'm trying to wipe up the remaining bad blood that remains, because there is no question that it does remain.

I'm also leaving this area for college soon, and I don't want to carry this with me. It's gone on long enough
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PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN REVELATION: LIFE DOES NOT SUCK. IT IS, IN FACT, QUITE GOOD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.


Day before yesterday I saw a rabbit, and yesterday a deer, and today, you.
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