Broken Saints

[ravin_13]

I dunno if this is completed yet, and it seems kind of off to me, but I still like it, and just want some feedback

[Rexfelum]

Feedback, you say. Feedback!

Okay, I'd say it is indeed not at the correct length. Either unfinished, or going one verse too long.

Which may not be the answer you were expecting. I thought it sounded great in the first two sections: both stark and metaphysical. Gloominess in a way, mentions of the "unknown." Cool.

Sunshine and flowers, though, sounds suddenly cheerful and touchy-feely. It rhymes. See, even the reference to "praises" in the first bit didn't sound "cheerful": this last bit sound more like it's celebrating life in general than talking about the life of those passed.

So I'd say write more, yes. Add more material to get the last verse to make sense, or rewrite it to make it fit more with the other stuff.

Or, cut it and call the first two thirds your whole poem! I liked it.

Also . . . now that I've replied, I'm less likely to accidentally delete this thread as spam. Ugh, spam.

--Rexfelum
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"As a weekend hobby, I'm writing my autobiography. I'm having to do lots of research." --Terry Pratchett.

[ravin_13]

hmm, thanks, any and all feedback is wanted. I didn't think the last verse fit, kinda had a flander's field vibe for it.

it kinda all started when I heard the phrase "we speak for the dead" an Enderish phrase
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"They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old.
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them."