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Ten greatest drunks of all time.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 10:17 am    Post subject: Ten greatest drunks of all time. Reply with quote

As written by Ben Worcester of

If there are two universal truths in this world, it is this: everyone loves lists, and everyone loves booze. With this in mind, I have spent many exhaustive hours drinking and researching to present to you,

The 10 Greatest Drunks of All-Time:

10 - Babe Ruth
While Barry Bonds had to inject cow hormones into his ass in order to play better baseball, George Herman Ruth just got drunk. Beer and hookers were all the steroids the Babe needed to leave every other baseball player in his big, fat wake. After winning a drinking contest and bedding four women at once, the Babe would stagger to the field on-time, play a double-header, and smack a game-winner out of the park while eating a hot-dog. Obviously, that's what makes him one of the greatest drunks of all time. Favorite drink: Keg of Falstaff.

09 - Al Bundy
You had to feel for Al Bundy. Destined for greatness after scoring four touchdowns in one game for Polk High, he ended up married to a big red menace of a wife, living next to a piercing shrew of a neighbor, and supporting his mincing nerd of a son, and witless bimbo of a daughter. For Al, the perfect ending to a hard day of selling women's shoes was relaxing on the can with a six pack and a copy of Big 'Uns. How can you not respect that? Favorite drink: Free beer.

08 - Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill was drunk for the entirety of World War II, leading England through the German blitzkrieg with a snifter in one hand and a cigar in the other. Nothing fazed him. The secret to his unwavering resolve? The spirits. Booze wins wars, and Churchill proved it. Anyone who can get tanked while fending off tanks is a king among men. In terms of sheer accomplishment, Winston Churchill is probably the greatest drunkard in recorded history. Favorite drink: Wine with breakfast.

07 - Janis Joplin
Janis Joplin deserves a spot among this company of men. What she lacked in the refinery of other great female drunks like Zelda Fitzgerald and Dorothy Parker, she made up for with pure balls. This frizzy haired Medusa could out drink most men in her life, and earned an infamous reputation for not wearing any makeup on stage. She also looked like an auto mechanic. Janis lived fast, died young and let the boys take care of her tab. Favorite drink: Bourbon.

06 – John Belushi
Two words: Bluto Blutarsky – the iconic character of Animal House played by John Belushi is quite possibly the greatest performance put on film by any actor, ever. As his SNL cast mates will attend, John Belushi was a whirling dervish of narcotics and comedy. I would like to see Sir Lawrence Olivier convince me he’s a zit by popping mashed potatoes out his mouth. Not happening. All hail the king. Favorite drink: Jack from the bottle.

05 - Your Dad
Whether he was mowing the lawn with a tall boy at his side, or belt-beating you ragged after a few with the guys from work, it's clear that raising you was what it took to drive this poor man to the brink. After hauling his ass back from the office wondering how his kid turned out to be such a son of a bitch, the only joy this man could find was pounding back a few and plowing your mom every Wednesday after Nightline. Favorite drink: Whatever's on sale.

04 - Ted Kennedy
There is perhaps no greater tradition in American history than that of the drunk politician. With a head the size of a regulation basketball, and a liver that could refine crude oil, Senator Edward M. Kennedy of Massachusetts upholds this tradition with pride. You've got to admire a guy who kills a girl while driving drunk and still manages to hold office for 35 years. It is rumored on Capitol Hill that he squirrels away booze in his jowls for long sessions in the Senate. Favorite drink: Vodka shots.

03 - Ernest Hemingway
He drank. And it was good. Hemingway pursued alcohol the way he pursued everything in life - by kicking its ass. The only way I can picture this literary titan drinking a beer is from a stein that could easily fill a kiddie pool. He ate drunk, he loved drunk, he wrote drunk, he hunted drunk, and he probably died drunk, blowing his head off with a shotgun that he used to kill rampaging elephants. Favorite drink: Whiskey.

02 - Keith Moon
This list could easily be populated with just rock stars, but when you're talking about the best, it's really a toss-up between legendary drummers John Bonham and Keith Moon. They share many similarities: both died early, both perfected the art of trashing hotel rooms, and both were fond of public debauchery and wanton destruction. Though Bonham may have died a great drunkard's death after consuming a rumored 40 shots of vodka and choking on his own vomit, Moon's penchant for destruction was just too legendary. Some of his greatest achievements include driving a Rolls Royce into a pond, breaking a tooth off after jumping into an empty swimming pool, and blowing up his drum kit on the Ed Sullivan Show. Favorite drink: Anything.

01 - Homer Simpson
When it comes to the king of the drunks, look no further than Springfield's prodigal son, Homer Simpson. Without any physical limitations to hold him back, Homer has the ability to out drink anyone, and his alcoholic feats are nothing short of godlike. A constant fixture at Moe's, Homer will do anything to get soused. From inventing his own drink, to hiding beer in the toilet, to eating dirt underneath the bleachers, he is an unrelenting force of nature. Homer epitomized what this list is all about when he opined: “To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems”. That about says it all. Favorite drink: Duff Beer.

Honorable mention:

Bill Brasky
He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.
"All the rivers run into the sea, yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again."
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 11:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bill Brasky
He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.

I may as well join in on the posting of Bill Brasky quotes:

"Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!"

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"

"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."

"He sweats Gatorade"

"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"

"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."

"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"

"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese."

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."

"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"They found $60 in change in his stomach."

"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."

"He date raped David Bowie."

"He once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!"

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"

"He has dandruff the size of mice!"

"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"

"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"

"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."

"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."

"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."

"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."

"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."

"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."

"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."

"He breastfeeds John Madden."

"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."

"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."

"All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos."

"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."

"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'"

"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."

"He thinks then iron man is gay."

"He framed Roger Rabbit."

"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."

"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."
"Well whatever were you aiming at?"

"Man when I figure out how to use the spell Check on this mother fucker you niggas in trouble"-50 Cents tweet page.
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 11:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now I see where the idea for the chuck norris facts came from.
"All the rivers run into the sea, yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again."
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