THE PAIN IN THE RAIN (otherwise known as ‘How Uwe Boll will pay for his cinematic crimes through pugilism)




“Look…this goes in my ass!”

Most of you know the man to the right.

Many are aware of his sins – perhaps thanks to a series of newsletters and forum rants by yours truly in the early years of this site. With these horrors weighing heavily in the entertainment ether, inbred gypsies and children with severe head trauma pray for him nightly.

We in Vancouver are infected with the e-Boll-a virus on an annual basis, as he likes to indulge in our hefty tax credits, cheap and capable crews, and lush rainforests. What can I say? Retarded German hacks lean towards frugality and tree-hugging. We’ve learned to deal with it.

But when Uwe announced that he would face some of his harshest web critics on the set of his next movie – a little polyp of interactive jolt-meets-lymphoma known as POSTAL – my lips curled into a chesire grin. Because by ‘face’, he wasn’t talking debate

He wanted to box.

To make a long story short (and after much rejoicing), I threw my hat into the ring. You see, the bouts were planned to take place in Vancouver, and he had offered to fly his 3-round foes in from anywhere on the continent and put them up in hotels as part of the press stunt. And, since I just happen to be from the town in question, thereby capitalizing on his penny-pinching ways…and, since I just happen to despise every frame of film he’s ever exposed to photons, and have publicly voiced that opinion to our saintly legions…and, since I just happen to have nearly a year of amateur boxing training, and the repressed rage of a chartered accountant with a history of being molested by lumberjacks…

Hmm. Sounds like true love, doesn’t it?

I wrote and pitched my case. He wrote back the next day. He asked for my stats, and said “your webside is very good – is it movie?“. He strongly implied I was ‘in‘, and would announce sometime before Comicon. A month later, he released his list…

And I wasn’t on it.

I’m pissed. Not only did the little bastard lead me on, and have me unknowingly assist in some grassroots marketing, but now I won’t have the satisfaction of striking a blow for every legitimate lover of film and videogames the world over. The blokes chosen for this contest won’t last a round with a guy who’s known to jog 10-15K every morning on his film sets…not to mention his 10+ years of boxing experience at a hardcore German gym.

Wonderful…he’ll slaughter a few helpless nerds, but never feel the hammer of righteous thunder fall for his endless string of cinematic abortions. Great indy directors can continue to suffer and scrape and swallow their pride (and a few other things that trigger the gag reflex) in order to bring their dreams to life…but this complete jackoff uses creative accounting to tap into German hedge funds and run away with millions?!?!?!

Fuck you, Uwe Boll.

The crews here won’t cease their muffled laughter as you prance around set with sparkling water in hand and giant dogs in tow. The actors on working vacation will still phone it in and mock you mercilessly between takes. And, for a while anyway, your personal inbox will be filled with venom of a similar sting to my own:

UBoll40163@aol.com

See you in three weeks at the showjerk.

24 Responses to “THE PAIN IN THE RAIN (otherwise known as ‘How Uwe Boll will pay for his cinematic crimes through pugilism)”

  1. Matt Chan says:

    Intimidation! That’s why you didn’t get picked. And thus he picks helpless nerds to pummel. Just some random speculation….

    …but that royally sucks.

  2. admin says:

    Then write him a letter and tell him so…and link back to here!

    Dingleberry :(

  3. Angela says:

    Cowardly retreat

    The raging testosterone

    In sons born of fire

    So I HAD to poke….with a REALLY bad haiku, even.
    Talk about adding insult to injury.

  4. Angela says:

    And for the record, I wouldn’t take you on in a boxing ring, either, buddy.

  5. Matthew says:

    i say, get up in the ring and knock him out anyway…
    not like he doesint deserve it.

  6. Elise says:

    Dammit! I want Brooke to bite Uwe Bolls ear off!

    EVERYONE. UNLEASH YOUR RAGE THROUGH INTERNETS.

  7. Matt Chan says:

    I wrote him a letter! All because Brooke called me a dingleberry.

  8. Matt Chan says:

    I got a reply from Mr. Boll.

    /being quote

    i dont pussy out . i can box against burgess in vancouver in my boxing gym any time if he wants

    but there are real CRITICS fighting me and that was the thing. its not about boxing – its about fighting the people they pissed me off

    /end quote

  9. Saggio says:

    Posting someone’s email address online so they can be flooded with bullshit messages from fans and spam from robots just because he wouldn’t punch you in the face is kind of lame, Brooke. I’m not saying that whathisface is any better (I don’t even know who he is, really), but I never thought you’d sink to a level where an attempt DDoS attack on the man’s email would seem like an appropriate course of action.

    You could always challenge him to a match of chess.

  10. dumbwhiteguy says:

    “Posting someone’s email address online so they can be flooded with bullshit messages from fans and spam from robots just because he wouldn’t punch you in the face is kind of lame, Brooke. I’m not saying that whathisface is any better (I don’t even know who he is, really), but I never thought you’d sink to a level where an attempt DDoS attack on the man’s email would seem like an appropriate course of action.

    You could always challenge him to a match of chess”

    I was wondering when someone was going to post the “you’re better than that comment”. But seriously quit being such a whiny little bitch about it. Boll is the one that wants people to box him. And Brooke just posted the e-mail to try and get people to message him and get himself back on the list to get in the ring with him. Not to try and DDoS his e-mail.

  11. admin says:

    Thanks DWG – it’s not like I’d pull such a stunt if we had the traffic of Penny Arcade or such shit. That’s just gratuitous.

    He’s posted other contact mails online – and on bigger sites than this one. This was just a better way to get his attention ;)

  12. guppy says:

    I dunno what to write to this guy… I mean should I state you have been training for months, a couple hours a day, focused with a photo of him on a punching bag, on the gym floor as you do push ups, when you wake up in the morning you have a movie poster of Bloodrayne… to get the agro on??? Once the challenge was raised you became determined for all canadian internet celebrities to defeat this man???? I dunno I could go on more elaborate… but I am not so gifted with words and all this is grammatically wrong but I guess thats pulling out angry FaNgUrL OuT MaYBe I ShOUld TyPE like ThIs… man it takes too long to be annoying anyway… I caught this too late.

  13. admin says:

    Don’t mention the training…

    Just say that I wanted to kick his ass for directors everywhere that have actual VISION, as opposed to hacks to somehow get budgets but don’t know what the fuck they’re doing behind the camera! He says he wants to fight “real CRITICS” – but the first folks he challenged were Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avery (director and writer!!!!).

    He’s backing out because he thinks this won’t get him any press…but I’ll actually get him MORE in Canada than he’s expecting.

    And if he wants to not include me in the Postal shoot, but wants to fight me separately, that’s fine – he can challenge me at MY gym, with press in attendance!

  14. guppy says:

    Well I emailed the guy and all I got was:

    “i have no problem to fight Brooke”

  15. Nick says:

    Dude, Jack, he’s UWE FUCKING BOLL.

    And it’s not like his email address is private. The guy himself gives it out everywhere he can.

  16. admin says:

    He just wrote me back and said he’d fight me, but that the bouts are WITHOUT headgear, and with only 10oz gloves on! (that’s essentially Pro level)

    No matter how desperate I am to prove a point, and get a little creative revenge in (as well as reinforce what little ‘manhood’ I still possess), even I’m not THAT stupid…

    My God. I pity the poor folks who are stepping in the ring with him. They truly have been led to the slaughter :(

  17. guppy says:

    Dude yeah I responded to his ” i have no problem”– with Well c’mon then give B a time and a date… and then I posted a quote from your response about it being at your gym linking it to the blog…

    Yeah I think the without headgear and shit against ames is a bit much too, He’s already got 12 years on everyone.. and you can still knock someone out with that shit on anyway… he really wants to hurt people

    here is his response:

    “Brooke can be in the POSTAL movie as an extra – no problem.
    And we can box. Lets see – maybe a guy is pussying out on SEptember 23 so Brooke gets in. If not we box in a gym and we invite friends and press.

    But before BROOKEs mouth is to wide open – be aware that i boxed 12 years and never lost a fight. here a training video. so i will knock him out.”

  18. dumbwhiteguy says:

    Awwwww c.mon Brooke, what’s a few lost brain cells?

  19. tobias says:

    geez, this guy sounds like a piece of work. Giving Germans everywhere a good name. I haven’t seen any of his apparently truly godawful movies, I am not particularly into the genre even when it’s done well, but I have been around the blodk once or twice and I know an arrogant lout with an IQ smaller than his shoe size when I see one. Having said that I doubt it’s a particularly smart idea to get into a ring with him. I would try to rest on the merit of having done better work than him on a tiny fraction of the budget, and also not being a complete and utter yob. Very likely the darkness of his little mind is punishment enough. He is not exactly the first arrogant lout to get ahead in life. Probably best to just ignore him.

    my too sense… t

  20. Elise says:

    Yeesh. I wish I could be there if you box him, Brooke. I could hide in your boxing shorts and poke my head out every so often to headbutt him out of nowhere.

  21. admin says:

    Awwww…you folks are so sweeeeeeeet!

    Puffy headbutts right back at ya xoxoxoxo

  22. Matt Chan says:

    Wait, Uwe Boll has never lost a fight…? C’mon. I find that hard to believe.

  23. dumbwhiteguy says:

    “Wait, Uwe Boll has never lost a fight…? C’mon. I find that hard to believe. ”

    Maybe, maybe not. When you consider the way he can torture people via his movies one can only imagine what horrors he can unleash in person.

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