Ok…I’ve told this story so many times in the past couple of days that I’ve lost any interest in flowery presentation or fetching hyperbole. Above is video from Uwe Boll’s first fight on Saturday night (against poor, rubbery Lowtax from SomethingAwful.com. As you you can surely tell after watching a minute or so of wince-inducing blows, this was the real deal – the Teutonic Terror let his fingers do the walking, and direct dialed B for Blitzkreig .
In the saintly camp, the plan was for me to be the official ‘hometown replacement’ in case any of the critics were unable – or unwilling – to step into the squared circle. Up until Thursday afternoon, I was fully prepared to slip on the gloves and do my part for the cause…but little did I know that his handlers had something else in mind for me that fateful night. A pre-show press-event on the 21st was to feature the contenders and Dr Boll warming up at a local boxing haunt, and Uwe’s publicist suggested I bring my gear for some decent photo ops. Five steps into the gym with Kimmie V as my second, and we gleaned that stink was afoot – Boll’s ‘handlers’ were all wearing brightly colored tracksuits. They were sporting oversized gold chains and rings. Cigar smoke rolled thick as thieves, spiked with the scent of fresh violence. These men addressed me with a certain regional twang in their dialect – distinctly Old World in flavor – assuredly Mafioso in its aftertaste.
***History tells us something about Germans and Italians working towards a common goal…though I forget exactly what that prize was…perhaps due to repeated Panzer Hooks to the skull. But I digress…ragefully. ***
Once my gear was on, an oafish thug whispered in Boll’s grizzled earhole, “Take that guy on..make an example out of him.” So Boll approached and me to join him for three rounds of ‘light sparring’ – “40% strength…tops“. But by Round 3, he was charging me with wild, desperate swings, and vicious illegal blows (ie: elbows, forearms, and palms)…all because I was making him look bad. Worse – I had scared him. In front of the media. In front of his cast and crew. In front of his droogs. His posse was actually frightened for him…and he was certainly concerned for himself (if the Fangoria dude posts the vids, I’ll be sure to link it)…so he played dirty.
I called an end to the macho posturing with about a minute left in the 3rd, after three nasty clubbing forearms to the throat and head. I stared at Lowtax, and Chris from Rue Morgue, and the doe-eyed littleAin’t It Cool bloke – three suckling lambs with no pugilistic instincts whatsover, lined up for a narcissist’s sick buffet – and I attempted to transmit my pain and anger and concern directly into their naive little cyber hearts.
Too bad they didn’t get the message…too bad their goodhearted enthusiasm and foolish pride (not to mention the downright Chesire promises of gear and training from Boll’s camp) gummed up their good judgment…especially the 17yr-old ‘amateur boxer and Boll web-critic‘ Chance Minter below. Listen carefully…you might hear me screaming of Uwe’s crimes and cruelty about two minutes in 🙁
This is not over, Dr Boll. You didn’t fight me. You didn’t beat me. Your only victory was one engineered in ambush – molded from hollow subterfuge. Remember – you ‘promised’ to let me enter the ring after your fights with the critics, where I would publicly and officially challenge you to a real bout six months from now. But then what happened? Oh righhhhhhht…at the last minute, you suddenly need to back out of our deal – you make some monkey-minded closing speech, and essentially sprint from the venue with low-rent meatheads and crotch-fodder in tow. So, when all is said and done, the alchemy of Boll is far simpler than any gold-making attempts from baser metals; in the end, this talentless blowhard is nothing but a bully…a coward…and a liar. W00T – the trifecta.
Hear that sound?
The clock is ticking, asshole…
..and not just on your career.
***JOURNALIST UPDATE***
Lowtax went in mainly because he was determined to make a joke out of Boll, which he did and loltastic I must say. Plus, he addressed the following:
“Okay I am done drinking, and I’d like to post some more info before I forget it:
1) There was an actual real critic who sparred with Uwe Boll a few nights ago, who was a real amateur boxer. Uwe refused to fight the guy in the ring; obviously he only wanted people with no boxing experience.
Anyway, when Uwe was sparring with the dude, the critic / amateur had to quit sparring because Uwe “was taking it too seriously” and really trying to beat the shit out of the guy. So he just said fuck it and left.
2) Apparently when we were in another room, Uwe declared he was going to beat the crap out of all of us and try to “win by knockout.” You know, like kinda the OPPOSITE of “this is all a PR stunt we will have fun my movies don’t suck” that he was saying before.
3) Like I mentioned before, Uwe said we would get training, boxing equipment, and lessons beforehand. None of us received any of this, which didn’t quite worry us at the time since he kept saying it was just a PR stunt and he wasn’t really going to box for real for serious blah blah blah. NEVER trust a German. Three of the guys didn’t even have cups to protect their balls; the only reason I had a cup was because my wife bought me one.
4) The dude after me was throwing up and had an EMT by his side for about an hour. He eventually had to have an oxygen mask on. The dude after him was all bloodied up and looked like crap. They too made the mistake of believing Uwe Boll when he said it was just a PR thing, since neither really trained.
Regardless, I don’t regret anything and think it was a real learning experience. For example, I learned Uwe Boll is a lying dickhead who makes shitbag films, and he deserves all the shit he gets from folks on the Internet. I’ll write an update about all this when I get back, but I’m trying to put the most major things here so I do not forget them.
OH and the high point of the day was when I met DAVID FUCKING CROSS and hugged him and gave him a “Doom House” DVD. That was fucking awesome and made the whole Uwe Boll fiasco worth it.”
I really wanna be there when you pummel that freaking wanker into the ground. I’m gonna collect buckets of his blood and sell it on ebay. Not to mention, possibility of Aaron crippling the fuck out of him if he tries to pull any shit on you.
I just noticed, was the real amateur/critic you, Brooke?
Yes.
I thought so.
So, can I be that chick who struts across the ring after each round in high heels and a bikini with a big shit eating grin?
I swear, some people have no shame, honor, or class. It’s people like Uwe Boll who make me almost ashamed of my Gemran heritage.
Glad to hear you put up a good fight though, B. Hopefully he’ll one day see there are better ways to promote your movies than beating up minors…
Oh my god Brooke, you’re being a whiny bitch about this too?? I imagined as much from Lowtax being “Wah, Uwe Boll beat me up but that’s just because I wasn’t ready! Waaaaah!”
I don’t understand this. You ASK for a boxing match with him, he GIVES you a boxing match and then you run away from him when he actually starts to BOX you? AND THEN you come online and insult him for giving you exactly what you wanted. That’s just pathetic.
Why does this remind me of Millon Dollar Baby? Anyone?
—
Germans are cheatin lyin bastards.
Don’t be an asshole too, Dood. The press event was for PHOTOS only – that was Thursday night, and I was NOT prepared to fight. I’m insulting him because he made numerous PROMISES to people and did not keep them – he is a liar…period.
I asked for a boxing match – he did NOT give me a boxing match – I did NOT run away (where the fuck did you get that idea???). When we were doing light sparring, I was MORE than holding my own…but then he started doing illegal hits in the ring.
So my real question is – why are you being a dick about it?
Whats a post from dood towards you, him not being a “dick”?
You showed you were the bigger man walking away, calling him on his shit.
The mans shits WEEEEAKKK.
“the critic / amateur had to quit sparring because Uwe “was taking it too seriously—
That is where I got the idea where you ran away Brooke, you quit during the fight. Ok, so he’s doing illegal things, so what? Why didn’t you do them back? Would that be too below your level? Too immature? I mean sure, you WERE wanting to punch someone in the face for making bad movies, but when it comes to illegal hits in a boxing ring, THAT’S where you draw your line of maturity.
I’m really sorry that I’m sounding like an asshole too, but I’m not entirely sure what Uwe did that was so evil that prompted you to write the longest blog post you’ve ever done. You wanted a fight, he gave you a fight.
I do believe that there are different levels of boxing, and the amount of strength you put into them really matters. Uwe told Brooke that he was just going to do something light sparring at a certain level, and then suddenly turned into RAGING OO-VEY. The fact Uwe lied and really wanted to beat the everloving shit out of our beloved Burgess is what pissed the hell out of said beloved Burgess. As for not doing illegal things in the ring? Do you really want Brooke to sink down to that level? There’s a difference between these two men. One has a sense of what’s right and wrong. One just wants to appear like knocking all 26 teeth out of someones head proves he’s a great director.
You did the right thing, Brooke. Now that you know how big of a jerk this guy is, you can really unleash on him the next time you box.
I’ve got an idea: while you’re fighting him grab his balls and rub up against him inappropriately because, number 1, It’d be fun to see, and number 2, maybe all this incohrrent rage stems from an uncle who liked to get touchy-feely with him and in doing so will insight various memories he’s been trying to repress and you can pummel him while he’s in an infantile state. Just an idea.
Seriously, this is hilarious. It is not hard to imagine how fed up Mr. Boll must have been with his crititcs considering how much smoke he has received (I agree he’s a horrible director). You have to be really naïve to go into a boxing ring and just expect some friendly jabbing, especially as one of his most persistent critics.
A few days ago, Brooke talked about how he had verbally KO’d Uwe at the pre-fight conference while Uwe had been pretty silent. I wonder what was going through his mind at that time 🙂 He was probably pretty focused on just getting in that ring and giving you guys a silly beating.
He got what he wanted. You were naïve enough to think he wanted something else. Big deal. I didn’t see anything illegal in those matches. It was quite obvious, however, that he had boxing experience and surely he wanted to show off his skills to the public while enjoying that sweet taste of revenge. If you’ve been a passionate boxer in the past, and you finally get your chance to shine at an event like this with massive publicity, you don’t just fool around and “have a bit of fun”. You box. That is exactly what he did and I can’t blame him. Yes, it might not have been an even match-up or whatever, but if you’re dumb enough to step into the ring in the first place, don’t expect people to pity you afterwards.
Either way, he’s the one sitting with a big smile on his face now 🙂
Oh, if it is a comfort: he is still a HORRIBLE director.
I quit because it was a DANGEROUS situation – not the ‘boxing’, but the venue and the scenario itself: no physicians, no corner man, no water, no ref, and a SERIOUS amount of ‘villainous’ energy (I wasn’t kidding when I implied that this was a mob hangout…there are police records on the place involving cocaine and steroid peddling in mass quantities).
Again – I was expecting a PHOTO OP – not sparring, let alone a boxing match with 3 minute rounds (whereas you fight for 2 in amateur) in hostile territory. But in the end, I’m not angry about his attack – in fact, I UNDERSTAND why he lashed out…I made him look ineffectual in front of his peers. But I was NOT going to start unloading haymakers at 100% or biting his fucking ear off while surrounded by thugs, cronies, and potential grave-diggers – the ONLY reason I even agreed to spar was to show the critics what they were getting into. I was not running from a fight…because we were not HAVING a fight – period.
That said, I was FULLY prepared to fight on Saturday – but since all of the critics agreed to go ahead with the match, I was placed on ‘reserve’. It was then that his press rep and I formulated the ‘public challenge’ plan, and it was then that Uwe AGREED to it. I not only witnessed Uwe’s lying and cowardice…but I experienced it FIRSTHAND.
So yes…I’m working on securing an official date for an official bout – amateur rules, proper ref, medic, and corner man, and proceeds (at least my half…he’s notoriously greedy) going to CHARITY. You’ll know as soon as I do…
And yeah DWG – his nuts will know my touch – especially since he didn’t give his competitors on Sat the respect of proper protective gear in that region.
Holy Jeebus, B, I’m glad things didn’t go the way they *could* have gone in that situation. This is exactly the underhanded crap I expected from a guy crazy enough to challenge his critics to a boxing match.
Hopefully you’ll get an opportunity to kick his ass in the proper setting….which is publicly, of course.
=)
http://ichallengeuweboll.ytmnd.com/
Pfffft, screw a boxing match. I think it’d be a much better idea if a street fight was held instead. When Boll tries to use some of his “illegal” moves on you, you can just counter back and slam his face into a manhole cover. The guy’s a major pussy for handpicking weaklings he knew he could beat, he doesn’t deserve getting padding in his face. Give him the full on bone and sinew.
Well, you know what they say:
“Never argue(fight) with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you up with experience”.
Best of luck with the charity match Brooke. I simply don’t see it going anywhere useful in the grand scheme of things.
Probably won’t happen…and, to be honest, you’re probably right about its effects in the grand scheme. Still…I think you can understand my urge at the very least, given the history and circumstances 😉