Most of you know the man to the right.
Many are aware of his sins – perhaps thanks to a series of newsletters and forum rants by yours truly in the early years of this site. With these horrors weighing heavily in the entertainment ether, inbred gypsies and children with severe head trauma pray for him nightly.
We in Vancouver are infected with the e-Boll-a virus on an annual basis, as he likes to indulge in our hefty tax credits, cheap and capable crews, and lush rainforests. What can I say? Retarded German hacks lean towards frugality and tree-hugging. We’ve learned to deal with it.
But when Uwe announced that he would face some of his harshest web critics on the set of his next movie – a little polyp of interactive jolt-meets-lymphoma known as POSTAL – my lips curled into a chesire grin. Because by ‘face’, he wasn’t talking debate…
To make a long story short (and after much rejoicing), I threw my hat into the ring. You see, the bouts were planned to take place in Vancouver, and he had offered to fly his 3-round foes in from anywhere on the continent and put them up in hotels as part of the press stunt. And, since I just happen to be from the town in question, thereby capitalizing on his penny-pinching ways…and, since I just happen to despise every frame of film he’s ever exposed to photons, and have publicly voiced that opinion to our saintly legions…and, since I just happen to have nearly a year of amateur boxing training, and the repressed rage of a chartered accountant with a history of being molested by lumberjacks…
Hmm. Sounds like true love, doesn’t it?
I wrote and pitched my case. He wrote back the next day. He asked for my stats, and said “your webside is very good – is it movie?“. He strongly implied I was ‘in‘, and would announce sometime before Comicon. A month later, he released his list…
And I wasn’t on it.
I’m pissed. Not only did the little bastard lead me on, and have me unknowingly assist in some grassroots marketing, but now I won’t have the satisfaction of striking a blow for every legitimate lover of film and videogames the world over. The blokes chosen for this contest won’t last a round with a guy who’s known to jog 10-15K every morning on his film sets…not to mention his 10+ years of boxing experience at a hardcore German gym.
Wonderful…he’ll slaughter a few helpless nerds, but never feel the hammer of righteous thunder fall for his endless string of cinematic abortions. Great indy directors can continue to suffer and scrape and swallow their pride (and a few other things that trigger the gag reflex) in order to bring their dreams to life…but this complete jackoff uses creative accounting to tap into German hedge funds and run away with millions?!?!?!
Fuck you, Uwe Boll.
The crews here won’t cease their muffled laughter as you prance around set with sparkling water in hand and giant dogs in tow. The actors on working vacation will still phone it in and mock you mercilessly between takes. And, for a while anyway, your personal inbox will be filled with venom of a similar sting to my own:
See you in three weeks at the show…jerk.