Archive for August, 2006

THE PAIN IN THE RAIN (otherwise known as ‘How Uwe Boll will pay for his cinematic crimes through pugilism)

Thursday, August 31st, 2006



“Look…this goes in my ass!”

Most of you know the man to the right.

Many are aware of his sins – perhaps thanks to a series of newsletters and forum rants by yours truly in the early years of this site. With these horrors weighing heavily in the entertainment ether, inbred gypsies and children with severe head trauma pray for him nightly.

We in Vancouver are infected with the e-Boll-a virus on an annual basis, as he likes to indulge in our hefty tax credits, cheap and capable crews, and lush rainforests. What can I say? Retarded German hacks lean towards frugality and tree-hugging. We’ve learned to deal with it.

But when Uwe announced that he would face some of his harshest web critics on the set of his next movie – a little polyp of interactive jolt-meets-lymphoma known as POSTAL – my lips curled into a chesire grin. Because by ‘face’, he wasn’t talking debate

He wanted to box.

To make a long story short (and after much rejoicing), I threw my hat into the ring. You see, the bouts were planned to take place in Vancouver, and he had offered to fly his 3-round foes in from anywhere on the continent and put them up in hotels as part of the press stunt. And, since I just happen to be from the town in question, thereby capitalizing on his penny-pinching ways…and, since I just happen to despise every frame of film he’s ever exposed to photons, and have publicly voiced that opinion to our saintly legions…and, since I just happen to have nearly a year of amateur boxing training, and the repressed rage of a chartered accountant with a history of being molested by lumberjacks…

Hmm. Sounds like true love, doesn’t it?

I wrote and pitched my case. He wrote back the next day. He asked for my stats, and said “your webside is very good – is it movie?“. He strongly implied I was ‘in‘, and would announce sometime before Comicon. A month later, he released his list…

And I wasn’t on it.

I’m pissed. Not only did the little bastard lead me on, and have me unknowingly assist in some grassroots marketing, but now I won’t have the satisfaction of striking a blow for every legitimate lover of film and videogames the world over. The blokes chosen for this contest won’t last a round with a guy who’s known to jog 10-15K every morning on his film sets…not to mention his 10+ years of boxing experience at a hardcore German gym.

Wonderful…he’ll slaughter a few helpless nerds, but never feel the hammer of righteous thunder fall for his endless string of cinematic abortions. Great indy directors can continue to suffer and scrape and swallow their pride (and a few other things that trigger the gag reflex) in order to bring their dreams to life…but this complete jackoff uses creative accounting to tap into German hedge funds and run away with millions?!?!?!

Fuck you, Uwe Boll.

The crews here won’t cease their muffled laughter as you prance around set with sparkling water in hand and giant dogs in tow. The actors on working vacation will still phone it in and mock you mercilessly between takes. And, for a while anyway, your personal inbox will be filled with venom of a similar sting to my own:

UBoll40163@aol.com

See you in three weeks at the showjerk.

Swedish Chef Zen

Wednesday, August 30th, 2006

There are robots. And there are chicken.

And then there are Robot Chicken.

The future is Do-it-Yourself, kids…as if we weren’t proof enough :P

CUBED3 Interview Podcast!!!

Monday, August 28th, 2006

Massive thanks to oldschool forum rat JESUSRAZ (Adam Riley!), who now reigns as editor at the major UK Nintendo news hub CUBED 3. Not only was he kind enough to pimp the DVD release across the pond, but he set up a massive phone interview to celebrate the occasion!

Go here to find the podcast goodness – some verrrrry telling stuff if you’re a gamehound ;)

Gamers Unite!!! (Weekend Haiku)

Saturday, August 26th, 2006



ALL HAIL PAX!!!

E3 went tits up

But Nature abhors a void

Long live the new kings!!!

(Kudos and congratulatory snuggles to our good friends Tycho and Gabe on the weekend of their big show. We’re there in spirit, mates :) )

Worst…Audio…Sync…EVER!

Thursday, August 24th, 2006

More AE hullabaloooooooooooooooooooo :)

LOVE…with Tech Support.

Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006

A good friend just sent this to me, and I thought I would share…

Tech Support: Yes, … how can I help you?

Customer: Well , after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is
it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error – Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also,
you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty
your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually
everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its
various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

:)

Anime Evolution Panel PART 1!!!

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

Special thanks to ASHTON for clippy goodness – and to Kirbs ‘n’ Dobby for being so damn handsome!!! :D

UK/Aussie DVD Haiku!!!

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006



Now 50% less likely to fall apart :P

A few small changes

And a warning sticker too

Enjoy ‘uniqueness’!!!

Raimi and Oran to TRANSFORM?

Monday, August 21st, 2006

Hey…fan buzz worked to get the original Optimus cast, right?

So why not give Bay’s potential big-budget blunder a little more help from STARSCREAM and HOTSHOT?!?!?!

:D

UK and OZ get Saintly this week!!!

Monday, August 21st, 2006

Just got the official word that the DVD has hit shelves across the pond today, with Australia to follow by week’s end. Weird…wild…stuff.

Send pics and anecdotes, friends – I’d rather post ‘em here than play salesman yet again in the newsletter.

Couple o’ pics from Anime Evolution should go up once I get my damn phone to talk to my damn computer again. Looks like they’re having relationship issues….though the Treo swears up and down that there has been no covert canoodling of the Macbook variety.

Fickle machines. They say they’re switch, but that’s just a way of being bottom and keeping some semblance of pride. :P